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I started the new year feeling motivated with some goals
set, ready for a new decade to begin with positivity and optimism. And then I got hit with an arthritis flare. When the flare initially hit, I managed to
stay positive. However, as the days
progress, I feel less and less positive and depression sets in. This post shares my thoughts and feelings in
a flare.
Wednesday:
I woke up with back
and hip pain and felt very groggy. I had
a hard time waking up. Even after
several cups of coffee. I knew what this
was…the dreaded flare. A flare is when
disease activity kicks it up a notch resulting in more pain, swelling, and
fatigue. It’s a feeling of a generalized
flu-like, sick feeling. Time to start
taking prednisone. Although I felt
awful, I went to the grocery store to pick up some food. My husband always offers to pick up prepared food
to bring home, but when I’m in a flare, I just want to eat whole foods, no
junk. Fresh fruits and vegetables, lean
proteins etc. I did the shopping I
needed to do as quickly as possible just wishing to get home asap. I stayed home, in bed for the rest of the
day.
Thursday:
Still not feeling any better. Stayed in bed most of the day. My mindset was positive. I watched some of my favorite shows, read my
book and a few magazines on my iPad.
Friday:
I thought I was
feeling better. I had to get up early
and get dressed for my appointment at the rheumatologist’s office for my Cimzia
injection. I drove to the doctor’s
office but while I was sitting and waiting to get called in, I started feeling bad…tired,
groggy, icky. I got my injections,
stopped for some coffee and then walked around an outdoor mall near the
doctor’s office. I thought it might be
nice to get some exercise and window shop but as my time went on, I felt ill
and I had a 30-minute drive home ahead of me.
I got home, landed on the couch.
My husband was home and he thought this was the reaction to my
injection. But, no, it was me overdoing
it. I ended up going to bed and staying
there for the rest of the day.
Saturday:
I feel mildly better but still with pain and fatigue. Now, I’m questioning, “How did this flare
even happen?” (As if I’m in control of my body and my immune system.) I guess I’m now starting to lose my patience
with myself. I was feeling well before
this flare began, meaning, I had some pain, but I felt like I was navigating
through the days before my flare in a healthy way. I noticed I wasn’t taking my usual afternoon nap,
so I thought I was good. So how did this
flare come about? Well, then I was reflecting
on the few days before my flare. I
remember on Tuesday as I was walking to my mailbox, the driveway was a little
damp and I slipped and fell. When I slip
and fall, it’s not so much painful but it feels like a vibration goes
throughout my entire body, shaking up my muscles and joints. So, now I understand why I woke up on
Wednesday with a flare. I don’t like it… but I get it.
Still Waiting…
As the days progress, the flare is still with me. I’m waiting for the steroids to kick in to
calm down my immune system. But I’m
still feeling like I have the flu, wanting to stay in bed and not move. I become progressively sadder and sadder,
wondering if I’ll ever feel better. This
is where depression can set in. It’s
difficult to have a positive attitude when I feel worse than usual and there doesn’t
seem to be any end in sight.
Fighting my way through the darkness:
It can be difficult to keep a positive outlook when day
after day I feel so ill. As I expressed
to my husband during this flare, it is exhausting to push through each day when
you don’t feel well. Every day feels
like a struggle. But then I had a turn around in my attitude. It was helpful to express my feelings to my
husband. I felt a weight was lifted.
Practicing Self-Care:
- Hot baths! It is especially comforting and soothing to soak in a hot bathtub with Epsom salts. It provides momentarily relief from the pain and discomfort.
- Ice cream! We had unusually warm weather a few weeks ago. I was craving an ice cream cone. Soft serve vanilla on a cone with chocolate sprinkles. I bought an ice cream at our local shop and ate it all up happily. While eating ice cream may not be the healthiest choice, it was something that made me feel happy.
- Books/Magazines! I am so grateful for my public library. I enjoy visiting the library to find new books. But I especially love that when I don’t feel well enough to go to the library, it is always available to me. I borrow books, magazines, and music through my iPad. That gives me joy!
On the Mend:
It’s been about 3 weeks and I’m finally feeling like I’m
coming out of this flare. I’m slowly
tapering off the steroids, so my flare doesn’t come back. I also hit a point when I thought I must stop
feeling sorry for myself and act. This
past week, I made sure I did some form of activity each day. I went to my local YMCA two days this week, I
walked around the mall one day, and walked around a local park on a lovely,
mild day. Movement helps ease symptoms;
however, during a flare, it can make things worse. I have to go easy with this.
Throughout all of this, as bad as I felt both physically and
mentally, I always have hope. Hope that
things will get better. Hope that a new
day brings a new beginning. Hope that no
matter how bad I feel, there is meaning and purpose in everything I do. And hope is what gives me the courage to
manage this disease.
